The Joys Of Having Children
by Magica Draconia
Summary: The list of cons against dating Tony Stark was already long. It was just a shame no-one thought to add his 'children' (even if they were mechanical) to it. Written for the Tony Stark Bingo 2019, square S4 - cock-blocking 'bots.


Ask anyone about the obstacles to dating Tony Stark, and they'd most likely give a quick rundown of the rabid press that always followed him; the equally rabid public that could never decide if they loved him or hated him and went overboard either way; his Avenging duties; his SI duties; his habit of locking himself in the workshop for hours; the ever-curious Avengers; and the gauntlet that was SI's CEO Pepper Potts and War Machine Colonel Rhodes, both long-time friends and fiercely over protective.

What most people forgot – and therefore _didn't_ mention – was that it wasn't just _humans_ that cared for Tony.

* * *

The first time that Stephen Strange entered the workshop, he almost caused Tony to have a heart attack due to the fact that he portalled in without warning.

"Are you trying to kill me?" Tony exclaimed, one hand pointing a repulsor at Stephen, the other clutching dramatically at his chest. "No portals in the workshop!"

"I tried knocking..." said Stephen. "Your AI said you were busy."

"If FRI says I'm busy—" Tony began.

"For three days?" Stephen interrupted, frowning. "You know that's not good for you, right? Plus, I don't think it was FRIDAY."

Tony scowled, opened his mouth, and then paused, slowly closing it again. The repulsor dissipated back into its component nanobots as he lowered his arm. "Why wouldn't it be FRIDAY?" he asked. "I don't have any other AI who'd take a message."

"Believe me, I've heard FRIDAY's dulcet tones often enough to know when I'm speaking to her. Or not, as the case may be," Stephen pointed out. "Actually, it sounded male, and a bit – forgive the pun – strange."

"Male?" Tony squinted off to the side. "FRI, what's going on?" he asked, and Stephen wondered if he realised how much he sounded like a parent. A very suspicious parent.

"No idea, Boss," the AI responded instantly. "Nothing in my systems say I told Dr Strange anything."

"Run a systems diagnostic," ordered Tony, then he remembered he actually had a physical visitor. "Now that you're here, what's up, doc?" he asked, turning back towards the hologram he'd been manipulating.

Stephen folded his arms. "You forgot, didn't you?" His tone fell somewhere between amused and accusing. "We had a date."

"What? Shit!" Tony spun back to face Stephen. "We did! FRIDAY, why didn't you remind me?" he demanded.

"Sorry, Boss, but I don't have anything noted," said FRIDAY, sounding as confused as she was capable of – which was more than some actual people, in Stephen's opinion.

"I—" Tony began, but was interrupted by a gigantic crash from the other end of the workshop. Both men spun to look.

Dum-E was on his side, wheels spinning futilely, and beeping pathetically. U hovered nearby.

"Hey!" Tony rushed over to them. "What are you guys doing?! You're supposed to be in your charging stations!"

Dum-E beeped at him even more pathetically.

Sighing, Stephen strolled over to take a closer look. It was fairly obvious by now that their date wouldn't be taking place that day. "Want some help lifting?" he asked, gesturing at his sling-ring to show what he meant.

"Nope, we've got it," said Tony, just as Dum-E's camera swivelled to look at Stephen. A horrible grinding noise came from the robot, and Tony winced. "Dum-E, don't be rude!" he scolded. "Stephen was only trying to be helpful."

The 'bot made a sound that Stephen could only describe as a raspberry, and he raised an eyebrow at Tony.

The genius sighed. "Sorry, Merlin, looks like I have other plans tonight. We'll definitely try again but for now . . . rain check?"

"Of course," Stephen agreed, not that he really had a lot of choice. He drew his sling-ring and prepared to portal home. "I'll call you."

"You'd better!" he heard Tony call as he stepped into the Sanctum. "Now then, Dum-E," the billionaire continued as the portal shrank. "Let's get you on your feet. Uh, wheels..."

* * *

Unfortunately, the superhero life wasn't exactly conducive to aligning schedules. The next attempt was derailed by Stephen having to go after a multi-dimension-hopping bank robber, and the one after that was scuppered by Victor Von Doom releasing hundreds of tiny robots in downtown Manhattan, which required the Avengers to round them up and destroy them.

So it was three weeks before they both managed to find a potentially villain-free night.

"We should order in. You wanna order in?" Tony asked, spinning himself round on his desk chair. "I feel like I'm in a Chinese mood. How about you, Dumbledore?" He was distracted by the sight of U wheeling in their direction. "Hey, buddy, you want Chinese too?" he asked, and Stephen snorted. "Yeah, Harry Potter's right; people food's not really your thing."

"Uh, Tony..." Stephen began, seeing U's claw beginning to lift. "I don't think—"

Before Stephen could finish his warning, Tony was being sprayed with a fire extinguisher.

The genius spluttered and fell off his chair.

"U! How dare you?" he demanded once the torrent of foam stopped. "You are _not_ supposed to be taking lessons from Dum-E! Go over there. Go on, right over there," he pointed to the far corner of the workshop, "and you think about what you've just done!"

The 'bot backed away, his claw drooping, but with a subtly smug air about him. He and Dum-E beeped at each other in low tones.

Tony ruefully watched drips of foam fall from his arm. "I'm sorry," he said to Stephen. "Another rain check?"

Stephen sighed. "Sure," he agreed.

* * *

Two weeks later, Stephen was beginning to wonder if Tony was subtly trying to give him the brush-off and he was just being too oblivious to notice.

Every call he attempted to make to Stark was answered by a strange-sounding male who usually hung up on him as soon as Stephen asked for Tony.

Every time he opened a portal, there was never anyone in sight.

And any battle they were called out to, the only glimpse Stephen got was of Iron Man flying off into the distance.

So when Tony invited them all out for food after a particularly long and intense battle, Stephen decided to seize his chance – and Tony.

Catching hold of Iron Man's arm, he held him back as the rest of the team trudged off. "Look, if you didn't want to date me, all you had to do was say so," Stephen informed him.

The armour's faceplate snapped open, and Tony stared at him in confusion. "What?" he asked. "_You're_ the one who hasn't been answering my messages! I even stooped to writing an actual letter – me! Using pen and paper! – and _nada_. So don't you try and come over—"

"_Tony!_" Stephen interrupted, and the genius paused with his mouth open mid-word. "I haven't received any messages from you, and _you_ never answered any of _mine_."

Tony closed his mouth and frowned. "Something's going on here," he said, finally. "Tell you what, I'll start FRIDAY looking into it while we eat, then we can go back to the Compound and figure this out."

"On it, Boss," the AI agreed from the armour's speakers.

Stephen loosened his grip. "Well, since you're here and since I'm here," he began, "we could always try for that date now . . ."

"And ditch the rest of the team? Why, Merlin, I'm shocked!" Tony spread a hand over the arc reactor in mock-surprise, then grinned. "I'm in." He waved in a 'go-ahead' gesture. "After you."

* * *

When they stumbled into the Compound several hours later, they were alternating between laughing and kissing, and so paid no attention to FRIDAY's urgent, "Uh, Boss…"

They were therefore taken completely by surprise when they were abruptly doused in a thick white foam. Spluttering, they reeled apart, trying to scrape the foam from their faces.

"Sorry, Boss," said FRIDAY, sounding guilty but also amused. "I tried to warn you."

"Dum-E!" Tony thundered, once he'd gotten a good look at the fire extinguisher the unrepentant 'bot was holding. "That's it; I'm donating you to a community college in Alaska! No, I'll _pay_ them to take you!"

"I don't think they have community colleges in Alaska," Stephen pointed out.

"I'll build one just to send Dum-E there!" Tony advanced on the 'bot, foam dripping off him. "Just what did you think you were doing?!"

Dum-E gave a long series of beeps and trills. Tony folded his arms over his chest as he waited for FRIDAY to translate.

"He says he was protecting you, Boss," FRIDAY said. "He . . ." Her voice trailed off, and Dum-E swung his claw to face the nearest camera, letting out a cross-sounding squeal. "I am _not_ saying that!" FRIDAY sounded scandalised.

Tony sighed and shook his head. Stephen was fairly certain he knew what FRIDAY hadn't said, and was grateful for the discretion. He didn't really want to get involved with having _The Talk_ with one of Tony's 'children'.

"We are going to _talk_ later," Tony said, pointing a finger at Dum-E for emphasis. "For now, give me that; give me that!—" He wrestled the fire extinguisher away from the 'bot. "—and go back to the workshop. You're grounded! How did you even get up here?" Tony shook his head again. "Nope, never mind. Just go!"

He turned to face Stephen as the 'bot trundled off – very slowly – towards the large elevator he must have used to reach the ground floor.

"I am . . . so sorry," Tony said. "I guess that explains the messages. Dum-E was intercepting them." He stepped closer to Stephen, seemingly ignoring the fire suppressant still dripping off them both. "I'll have to make it up to you somehow…"

"And how will you do that?" Stephen murmured, his eyes slipping down to watch Tony's mouth.

"I've got a few ideas . . ." Tony reached out to pull Stephen even closer.

And was promptly doused with foam again.

"DUM-E!"


End file.
